03/02/2008 - 03/08/2008

Exsqueeze me, I thought porn was supposed to be hot or a turn-on. Sure, everybody’s got their little kinks and fetishes (if this is a kink it sure is a little one) but this movie makes me think that I’m watching some comedy made by the Wayans family (yknow the Scary movie dudes) when they were all whacked out on some weird shit after spending too many hours playing their gnomes on world of warcraft.

Like sure there’s sex in this, but man it’s hard to believe these are actually real people…sure they’re supposed to be aliens, but it still doesn’t make it sexy. If I wanna watch a movie about alien sex, then count me in to be like Captain Kirk and get to fuck all these big-titted blue skinned exotic looking chicks that stand taller than my knee, not something that looks like it should be a garden gnome in my front yard.

All I know is, after watching this movie, I totally gotta go check out a movie for tomorrow before I’m scarred for life and I will leave you with the words of our modern day sage and bard Randy Newman; “Short people got no reason to live…they got beady little eyes…don’t want no short people…you gotta pick em up just to say hello…they got little voices going squeak squeak…”

Well you get my point, but Double Midgetation doesn’t get any, zero cocks-up.

A flick that totally rules as far as blowjob movies go cos these sluts totally dig swallowing a cock and whatever loads they can get to explode out of it. Personally I dig there to be some real in and out pussy filling action as well as just blowjobs when I’m watching porn, but these babes do give a righteous showing as sluts who love the cock. Okay yeah…the moronic title being a Doors rip-off kinda bites like, if you wanna do something that assinine then make an anal movie and call it Backdoor Man.

A decadent decatant of splooge-splashing slut soaking scenes and in most of these we get two chicks for each lucky throat fucking guy as they demonstrate how much they crave forcefully going down on these fucksticks…like this is not one of those blowjob movies where some asian chick gently licks away and holds her mouth slack and open while it gets fucked without any expression from her. These are chicks that go orally crazy on cock and totally get off on seeing, swallowing or spraying the loads of cum that they unleash from these lucky bastards.

Cum On Baby Bite My Wire 2 doubles its own two with four cocks-up. It would’ve gotten a better score if I’d seen that these chicks loved fucking as much as they loved sucking.

With yesterday’s review of Butt Munchers and today’s review of Foot Traffic I am no longer sure whether the big O in sex-talk refers to the word orgasm or Olfactory. I mean wow, like people totally get off on the smell of sweat…after watching these movies, I bet the reason Kate Hudson bitched about Matthew McConaughey was that he was making her have spontaneous orgasms and totally wetting herself and that must’ve been her problem with his b.o. (which also I now assume stands for big orgasm).

Okay…now I can get how maybe somebody can be all fucked up and just going wild with whatever but I guess this movie is also geared to people who have a stocking fetish…personally I can’t see the taste of nylon getting me off, but whatever. We get three thole thucking thcenes of some cock and cum-crazed nymphos who totally get off on getting their toes sucked and nibbled and are more than happy to return the favor of having their feet fondled fetish catered to with some lust-driven sucking and fucking for the lucky dude who also obviously was getting pumped up from the pungent smell and taste of these babes peds.

Foot Traffic boggles me with the amount of odor-driven orgasms inundating porn but nevertheless gets itself three satisfied cocks-up.

Watching this movie makes me think that they should make a porn version of Dr Seuss’s classic The Lorax…and yknow you can just totally see Ron Jeremy as The Lorax, short little hairy dude with wild hair and a big walrus mustache…totally sounds like it was written for him. I mean, if someone did a poll to find out how many totally nasty ultra-sluts there were out there I bet there would be enough that we could save a zillion trees by getting rid of the toilet paper industry and just have chicks like this ready and willing to savor some smelly ass whenever needed.

I guess for these nasty nymphos it’s like old school trapper style and the more musk you lay out, the more beaver you get. Six scenes of chicks who totally dig the sweaty smell of ass, whether it’s another chick or a dude, they don’t care, as long as they can get their noses in there for a weighty whiff and a raunchy rimjob.

~~~~~ CLICK TO WATCH BUTT MUNCHERS ~~~~~

There are some babes who were put on this planet completely for the purpose of sex and granting pleasure…good casting call on this movie, you found some of these babes. These chicks show scene after scene how much they love fucking and as the heat goes up their lust goes up too and they go crazy on cock (or in some cases even more than one cock) and beg for the taste of ass and cum.

Butt Munchers gets four sweaty cocks-up.